I spent last night in an exhausted daze. There is no way that this could be possible. Our lesson at church was about Jacob wrestling with God. There was a quote from a radio preacher of yesteryear where he said something to the effect that, "God crippled Jacob to get him to pay attention." Well, God, here I am and I'm paying attention.
This all started when I decided to schedule a appointment with my dermatologist because of a freckle that was starting to worry me. I mean, I'm the first to admit that I don't always put on sunscreen so I thought, better safe than sorry, right? I've also been having some trouble with my hands not healing, even now that I'm able to start using my medicine since Gabriel stopped nursing. And my toenails are not doing so well either (I know, gross, but it's what's going on). So, needless to say, I have several reasons to go see this doctor.
I go in thinking he's going to recommend that I get the freckle biopsied and a stronger medicine for my hands, possibly another round of anti-fungal for my toes, at worse a small surgery. Anyway, I'm thinking no big deal (really, I've handled worse, right?)
But, my doctor started asking me some questions, and we started putting some pieces together that I'd never really noticed. My hand problem and my toenail problem started at the same time. It turns out that I probably have psoriasis. And the "fungal" infection that I thought I'd had for years now is probably psoriatic nails.
And then the kicker . . .
He goes on to tell me that there's really nothing I can do about psoriatic nails other than get several cortisone injections in my nail beds continually -- sounds worse than dealing with the nails. So I asked him what I should do about the infections I keep getting in my toes.
He paused for a minute and told me that he thinks I'm developing psoriatic arthritis.
As I said before, last night I was walking through a dreamlike state. I stated it almost jokingly to my family, "He thinks I could have arthritis!" But of course, I came straight home and went to Mayo Clinic's website and started reading. The puzzle pieces started coming together. And then the words spoke to me from the computer screen, "No cure for psoriatic arthritis exists, so the focus is on controlling symptoms and preventing damage to your joints. Without treatment, psoriatic arthritis may be disabling. Both psoriatic arthritis and psoriasis are chronic diseases that get worse over time."
I spent most of today holding back tears. When Callie asked me to play cards, I started crying, wondering if there would be a day I couldn't hold the cards. I've had a feeling for a while that there was something else connecting all the weird symptoms I kept having, but most doctors made me feel like it was all in my head. I never dreamed it would be something chronic and degenerative with no cure. Even though there hasn't been anything other than a suspicion that it could be the problem, it's still a life-changing thought.
This afternoon my thoughts changed. I started thinking about being proactive, finding a doctor on the cutting edge and not waiting around to find out how to get diagnosed. What if this is God trying to get my attention? My attitude could be to give glory to God for every day I have or I can be fixated on myself and miserable. Which one should I choose, I wonder?
There is no definitive diagnosis at this point, but I do plan on pursing a doctor with a course of action to try and find out what is going on, if it's psoriasis or psoriatic arthritis, or whatever it may be. In the meantime, I plan on continuing my everyday activities, and adding some things that I've been meaning to do. Taking full advantage of every good day I have.
In closing, I would like to request prayers for peace and patience for my family. Two things that I also don't do well when it comes to possible life-alterations, but maybe, God is calling me to do something that I haven't been. So God, I'm listening. Or maybe, it's Satan trying to pull me away. So to Satan, I say, You Can't Have Me!
This all started when I decided to schedule a appointment with my dermatologist because of a freckle that was starting to worry me. I mean, I'm the first to admit that I don't always put on sunscreen so I thought, better safe than sorry, right? I've also been having some trouble with my hands not healing, even now that I'm able to start using my medicine since Gabriel stopped nursing. And my toenails are not doing so well either (I know, gross, but it's what's going on). So, needless to say, I have several reasons to go see this doctor.
I go in thinking he's going to recommend that I get the freckle biopsied and a stronger medicine for my hands, possibly another round of anti-fungal for my toes, at worse a small surgery. Anyway, I'm thinking no big deal (really, I've handled worse, right?)
But, my doctor started asking me some questions, and we started putting some pieces together that I'd never really noticed. My hand problem and my toenail problem started at the same time. It turns out that I probably have psoriasis. And the "fungal" infection that I thought I'd had for years now is probably psoriatic nails.
And then the kicker . . .
He goes on to tell me that there's really nothing I can do about psoriatic nails other than get several cortisone injections in my nail beds continually -- sounds worse than dealing with the nails. So I asked him what I should do about the infections I keep getting in my toes.
He paused for a minute and told me that he thinks I'm developing psoriatic arthritis.
As I said before, last night I was walking through a dreamlike state. I stated it almost jokingly to my family, "He thinks I could have arthritis!" But of course, I came straight home and went to Mayo Clinic's website and started reading. The puzzle pieces started coming together. And then the words spoke to me from the computer screen, "No cure for psoriatic arthritis exists, so the focus is on controlling symptoms and preventing damage to your joints. Without treatment, psoriatic arthritis may be disabling. Both psoriatic arthritis and psoriasis are chronic diseases that get worse over time."
I spent most of today holding back tears. When Callie asked me to play cards, I started crying, wondering if there would be a day I couldn't hold the cards. I've had a feeling for a while that there was something else connecting all the weird symptoms I kept having, but most doctors made me feel like it was all in my head. I never dreamed it would be something chronic and degenerative with no cure. Even though there hasn't been anything other than a suspicion that it could be the problem, it's still a life-changing thought.
This afternoon my thoughts changed. I started thinking about being proactive, finding a doctor on the cutting edge and not waiting around to find out how to get diagnosed. What if this is God trying to get my attention? My attitude could be to give glory to God for every day I have or I can be fixated on myself and miserable. Which one should I choose, I wonder?
There is no definitive diagnosis at this point, but I do plan on pursing a doctor with a course of action to try and find out what is going on, if it's psoriasis or psoriatic arthritis, or whatever it may be. In the meantime, I plan on continuing my everyday activities, and adding some things that I've been meaning to do. Taking full advantage of every good day I have.
In closing, I would like to request prayers for peace and patience for my family. Two things that I also don't do well when it comes to possible life-alterations, but maybe, God is calling me to do something that I haven't been. So God, I'm listening. Or maybe, it's Satan trying to pull me away. So to Satan, I say, You Can't Have Me!
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